Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
