one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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