fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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