if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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