Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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