I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
