there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
