I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
