Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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