I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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