Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
