Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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