last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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