just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
