My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
