It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
