Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I checked into jail on foursquare
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
