So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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