Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
