did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont even know how to be here
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
