Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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