I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
