My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
