Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
