I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
