My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How naked do you want me to be?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
