I just pynch a tree in the face
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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