Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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