If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
