Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
