note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
