Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
