someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
