Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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