hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
