sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
