I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
