Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
