What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dignity is for republicans.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
