i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
