Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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