I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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