Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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