I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
