I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
