Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
