the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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