My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
