When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
