Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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